Cart Encounters

I went to the store the other day and the most amazing thing happened: I had the perfect shopping cart.

This is not a joke.

It was amazing.

It was clean. All of its wheels turned - without squeaking, I might add. And I didn't have to throw my entire body weight behind it to turn up and down the aisles. It was as though I was the first person in the world to ever use it.

Such a thing has never happened to me before. It was glorious and, I fear, a once-in-a-lifetime occurrence.

Well done, perfect cart. Well done.

Wrong Number Encounters

The other day a woman named "Gma Shelley" kept texting me pictures of a newborn baby. I mean, like a NEWborn. We are talking still slimy, and red and screaming.

Why do you care? You don't.

Why do I care? I don't. Because I'm not Kevin. And I don't know Gma or the naked child in the photos she kept sending.

I told her she had the wrong number.

She asked if I was Kevin.

I said no.

She said, "Oh sry lol."

Three minutes later: more baby pics.

I said, "Still not Kevin."

Reasons this disturbs me:
1. Who texts a number for their family member without already having it saved to their contacts?
2. What kind of grandma uses "Gma" and "sry lol?"
3. Who continues texting after they've been told they have the wrong number?
4. It's not nice to make someone frantically search their mental rolodex of pregnant friends to try and figure out who's child they are failing to celebrate.
5. NAKED BABY PICTURES SENT TO STRANGERS.

Lenten Encounters

What's the deal with all advertisers lying during lent?

They all have commercials advertising their "fish" products, and I'm pretty sure their pants are on fire. Majorly.

Take Wendy's, for example. That hot and spicy redhead is lying through her teeth. Her fish sandwich commercial begins, "It's that time of year again. Time for people to rush to Wendy's for their favorite fish sandwich!"

Really?

Who thinks, "Wow. It's February! I have to hurry! I get to go to Wendy's and eat fish!"?

I'll tell you who thinks that: nobody. Nobody thinks that.

Also, nobody thinks that "the best fish can be found at Arby's." NOBODY.

I know you're supposed to be good all year long, but I find lying to make a Lenten profit especially disturbing.

Airplane Encounters

I had to leave town for a weekend conference recently. The last time I traveled to said conference I got several good blog topics out of my journey. (Like this one and this one.)

Here are some things I thought of during my trek this time:

- They should limit the kinds of odiferous foods you can bring onto airplanes. Especially if it's a small airplane. The lady next to me on one of my flights was enjoying a wonderful sandwich from Subway but it was loaded with jalapeno peppers. I mean, really loaded. Not cool. Literally. My nostrils were burning.

- This whole thing where you have to pay money to check a bag has got to go. End of story.

- Also, the airlines have these new signs slash posters where they say "enjoy a drink on us!" and then they list all the drinks you can have while on your flight. How generous! You mean I can pay you almost $500 for a ticket, $50 to check my bag, and surrender my dignity in one of those creepy scanner things and you'll give me half a Coke?? I can't get over your giving spirit!
I'm not old. Or at least not THAT old, but I can remember the days when if you bought a ticket you could check TWO bags FREE, and you got a meal on every flight. Like a real meal. Served with actual metal utensils. CRAZY.

- I think all airport toilets should have those nifty automatic seat covers like they have in Chicago. It should be a standard requirement. I will add that to my list of goals for a future political campaign. (By the way, it just occurred to me that my award winning, undefeated campaign slogan will no longer work. "Vote for the Learned one," took me to the highest reaches of high school government. With my new last name, it no longer packs a punch. Heavy sigh. Oh well, Ghata get used to it.)

- Lastly, I wonder what they do with all the liquids and gels they confiscate from passengers at security. If it's more than 3 oz., they will take it from you. They must have piles of shampoo, deodorant, toothpaste and hair gel somewhere. I hope it's being put to good use. When I was little I used to think there were little elves who sorted the luggage and put in on the right plane and then back on the right conveyer belt. Maybe the elves get to use the products... One can only hope.

Unique Encounters

Sometimes it's good to feel unique. Sometimes it's not.

Here's a few places/times it's nice to feel unique/different/special:
- When you're an artist at an art show. Your works stands out as something different, people notice you and you make more money.
- When you have a million siblings and there's something that you do that no one else does. You don't have to share, which is always fun whether you want to admit it or not.
- When you're applying for college scholarships or trying to get into med school or law school or something. You have to stand out from the crowd.
- When you're trying to get a job. Same song, second verse.
- If you're Waldo and the whole point of your existence is your ability to be found in large crowds of people, animals or barbarians.

Here's some places/times you DON'T want to feel unique/different/special:
- High school. I don't care what people say. No one wants to truly stick out in high school. The trend is to blend.
- At the doctor's office. The words "I've never seen anything like this," are not comforting in the least.
- Ditto for the dentist.
- The witness protection program. Duh.
- And you certainly don't want to feel unique at the Apple store when you're taking in your computer for repair. "Take a look at this!" is not something you want to hear one Genius yell to another.

Heavy sigh...

Restroom Encounters

Question: Why are department store bathrooms always located in a seemingly abandoned part of the building?

Seriously.

It seems like every bathroom is at the end of some scary deserted hallway, filled with half-empty cardboard boxes and clothing racks with nothing but empty hangers on them. The stores could be filled with people, but there's never anyone in the hallway leading to the bathroom. Even though I'm an adult, I feel like I could get kidnapped every time I embark on this frightening, but clearly necessary, adventure.

It's creepy. And I don't understand it.

Injustice Encounters

I'm not a feminist. I'm not a sexist. I'm not (too) crazy.

BUT.

Having a wedding/getting married opened my eyes to a world of gender-based discrimination and injustice. Ok, maybe those words are harsh, but hear me out. Take a look at an abbreviated version of our boy and girl to-do lists (all because of the wedding):

Boy:
- Get fitted for tux.
- Recruit other boys to get fitted for tuxes
- Help parents plan rehearsal dinner
- Show up
- Assure girl that the wedding will happen not matter who decides to be late
- Wear fitted tux
- Take pictures
- Marry girl you love
- Go on honeymoon
- Carry gifts into new house
- Change address on driver's license
- Change address with the Post Office
- Go to work
- Come home

Girl:
- EVERYTHING ELSE
No, really. Everything else. Watch:
- Plan the WHOLE wedding and all the details that are too long to list
- Assemble and send invitations
- Pick wedding dress
- Endure three fittings of said dress
- Pick bridesmaids dresses
- Find shoes, earrings and all other accessories
- Get hair and make-up done
- Freak out just a little
- Manage the personalities of everyone in attendance. particularly family
- Wear thrice-fitted dress
- Take pictures
- Marry the man you love
- Go on honeymoon
- Retrieve certified copy of marriage license
- Open and record all gifts
- Wash and find a place for aforementioned gifts in new house
- Return 4 of 5 crock-pots and 6 of 7 coffee percolators.
- WRITE THANK YOU NOTES
- Decorate interior of house
- Change name and address on driver's license
- Change name and address on social security card (this involves traveling to some kind of alternate universe where time moves at a glacial pace and nobody smiles.)
- Change name on EVERYTHING ELSE (credit card, health insurance, bank accounts, dr's office, dentist, FACEBOOK, twitter)
- Go to work
- Come home
- Be thankful for everything (including the fact that you in no way involved your last name in your blog title)

Tell me how that's fair. You can't. Because it's not.

The things we do for love. (heavy sigh)

p.s. I love being married. Really. "I do." I mean, "I have" (Orthodox pun intended).